When I was young I had one dream. Well, two dreams. I dreamed about a lot of things but there were only two things that I set my heart (and thus my happiness) on with full intent.
You know the kind of dreams, right? It's the "my-life's-happiness-is-in-this" kind of dreams.
I wanted to get married and have babies. Lots of babies. Like six or seven. That dreamed stayed with me for a long time until one day I realized: I was not getting married anytime soon and a houseful of my own children was not in my future.
How does one proceed with life when the chance for the dream has left?
I see and talk with a lot of women with dreams that haven't come true.
Maybe it was an educational goal for you. Perhaps you thought you would be working as a full time as an artist or found that job that would utilize your skills "by this time." Perhaps it was a home you dreamed of buying, or a relationship that isn't restored as you wanted, or an educational accomplishment. It hurts when dreams die.
And the pain of the dream gone can rupture our lives. Here's what I've observed: We stop dreaming and believing and we start guarding and settling. It's as if there is this quiet thought, "because this didn't come true, nothing else will come true either." So we stop dreaming. Not blatantly mind you, but quietly. We stop making specific goals because, well, they probably won't come true. Better to play it safe and hold things casually. We should be happy with where we are. Life is supposed to be tough. I should be thankful for where I am. I've said all these things. Perhaps you have too.
This isn't the most fun post for me to write. But it burned hard on my heart and when an idea like this gets into my heart I figured maybe someone else needed to hear it too. Because there are other dreams you need to pursue, adventures to have, hope to give.
We can let these dreams that don't come true penetrate us to the core, stop us from branching out, prevent us from exploring new things, or.... we could start to dream again.
I decided not to go the route of dreamless living. The cost was too high for me. And it is too high for you.
In the painful process of letting go of a dream, I discovered a few things.
As I let my dream go, I discovered some points I hope will help someone today.
- Grieve a lost dream.
For the longest time I couldn't talk about not getting married or living without ever having children. It hurt so much there was a physical pain. I finally decided I had to let that dream go. It was probably one of the most difficult decisions and processes of my life. I knew that to hold on to a dream-that-isn't-coming-true would end up throttling my creativity and joy for life. I couldn't embrace other things if my hands were tightly gripping this dead dream.
Grieving is essential and needed for emotional health. A dream is important; it is often our dreams that bring us hope. When we lose it, we've lost a bit of ourselves and that part of self needs attention. Ignoring this will impede us from moving forward.
It's o.k. and healthy to cry and feel sadness over a dream that isn't coming true. It's part of the journey to acceptance so you can get back on the path of dreaming again.
- Recognize that not grieving may cause unwanted responses: self-protection, despair, & bitterness.
We tend to go to one extreme or another. Either we pretend our lost dream doesn't bother us at all (self-protect to not feel the pain) or allow the dream to throw us into despair or bitterness. I've done all three and the results leave me miserable.
Self-protection leads to an inner deadness. When I start self-protecting too much, I actually cut off my ability to experience the emotions and feelings of life. If I can't feel, I can't create.
Despair and depression are like huge sandbags dragging us down. We can't see anything good. Our perspective is muddied. We lose the joy. Others sense our negative sludge and may back off, unsure of how to help and not wanting the mud to get on them.
Bitterness is the most lethal (in my opinion). Bitterness envies other people their happiness. It strangles me from seeing any other outcomes. It definitely stops me from dreams. Bitterness holds on to grudges and grasps on to gossip, negativity, and unforgiveness.
- Believe that there are other dreams for you.
I'm not talking about opportunities or interesting pursuits, I'm talking about dreams.
I feel so strongly about this. When the dreams of our heart don't come true, I believe it is because there are bigger dreams for us to pursue that are yet to be uncovered.
- Be o.k. with the time it will take to uncover the new dream.
It takes some time and intentional searching to uncover your dream. It will take effort. Sometimes our dreams are as obvious as the sun (like my dream to have married, lots of babies, and a white kitchen). But I've noticed that those of us who are on the route for our diamond dreams- have to dig them out like diamonds. Then, after they are dug, they've got to be cut, polished, and cleaned up.
Begin to write down your hopes and dreams in a journal. Start with what makes you happy, sad, laugh. Pull out a blank canvas and paint on colors. Create a collage of the pain. Create a collage of potential new dreams. Take a class and let your spirit heal in the creative process.
- Birthing a dream takes massive action, intentionality- basically, a lot of hard work.
Babies and marriage may come unexpectedly for some, but a happy marriage and a vibrant, thriving family is the result of nothing short of reaching for the moon. It's hard and sweaty and really messy sometimes but the end result is nothing short of magical.
Working towards a new dream, through a new dream, will be no less hard.
A Final Note
These days I rarely bring up getting married or having children. And, the subject still brings some pain. Deep wounds do that. While there are a lot of examples of bad relationships and broken families, I know many wonderful couples with happy marriages and vibrant families. Marriage and raising lots of babies is still a pretty darn good endeavor in my eyes, a grand adventure.
But I know that there are other adventures in my future. And so I lay down this expired dream for marriage and a big family and begin to uncover other dreams in my heart and spirit.
Other people won't understand the peace you've made with the dream gone. Or perhaps, they won't understand your pursuit of dreams even when your track record shows a lack of dreams coming true. Many people settle for dreamless living. That's o.k. You don't have to explain nor do you have to let others values affect your own.
Just live your life with a smile, keep believing, and keep dreaming. Your life will speak for itself.
If your wrestling with a dream that's died and you want/need to share, feel free to email me at melissaauclair@gmail.com . I could not have written this post 5 years or 1 year ago. Some things are too painful to leave a comment for.
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